Frustration in my life

It's been such a long long time since I wrote something in my blog. I thought I would never write again but writing is a thing that attracts towards itself all the time. After admitting in my university I have been very much busy, I rarely get time for myself out of studies. It does not mean that I am a total nerd and I am studying all the time but I have to deal with a lot of things. In the day time I am out for my university then when I come back I become so exhausted everyday. After some rest I began to work on my lab reports or assignments. Well engineering is tough that what I am understanding now. I know its just been  a year, more bad days are coming.

In Dhaka, I do not have a home here neither my university have a hostel. I stay in a flat with other seven girls of my university. The flat is not too big and in my room I have a roommate. I live in a very small place. I do not have any space between my bed and reading table. I study sitting in my bed and keeping my books on the table because there is no place for a chair. We do not have a maid to cook so I cook of my own. Its so hard for me to cook and study because I do not know anything about cooking. For these and many other problems I have done a very bad result in my first semester exam. I am still depressed about it.

Sometimes I feel so alone. All I want to cry and weep my emotions out but I can't. It seems that tear drops does not come when you want. I want to write everything that happens with me. But I do not set myself calm and quiet to seat and write a new blog post. Its crazy that my last post was one year ago and since I haven't write anything. All the things are messed up. Money problems, study frustrations, living problem, eating problem..everything. But among these I have a blessing in my life. That only one that I am holding and trying to survive. Well I think I will write about this matter in an another post. I still feel thankful to Almighty that He gave me the opportunity to study Engineering but apart from that I still feel myself 1.5 years back. Still those depression,anxiety,frustration. I want to get over it but I can't.

Now I am on preparatory leave for my second semester exam. I should study this time but I feel puzzled. Only seven days left for my exam and I do not remember anything what I have studied before. Yesterday night I was all awaken. I hadn't slept a bit. All the night I cried and cried. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't. It seems like no one understands me. I want someone to talk to me from their own. I don't feel like anyone is giving me selfless love whether its my parents or someone else.  Eid-ul-Adha just passed yesterday. I didn't enjoy it. Nothing is making me happy. My mother keep telling me what I would like to eat but when I think about some delicious food that can cheer me up, I find nothing. I am not eating properly these days because I do not feel hungry anymore.

I don't know where my life is taking me or about my future. I just know I am too afraid for everything. 

New Chapter

Now I am an Engineering University girl with a lot of dream. Started my new class. Intersting fact is I have made many friends in the first day! Its very unusual for me. During my school life I literally have no friends but now I am changed and always keep a smile on my face. I am new to myself! Its a new identity for me.
I really like my university. Teachers are good and friendly but we have alotof study pressure. I do not know whether I would be able to keep continuing my blog. I am in Dhaka now,away from my home. I am in a hostel with other girls from my university. This is a total new environment for me. I don't know how i am gonna stay here for 4 years!!
As a Private University,my expenses are little high than public university. I am staying in a hostel and that is also a quite expensive place for me. But my parents are gonna pay for my betterment. I don't know how they can manage so I thought to do some work for my own. I have opened a small shop where I sell Make Up products. I basically sell UK make up items. I love them so much but I myself can not afford them. I had a little scholarship money for my Secondary School Certificate exam. With that money I started this small business so that I can atleast pay my hostel fees.
I really like my subject so much. I think IPE was the best  choice for me. I am thankfull to myself that I did not take EEE.
Thats all for my new chapter of my life. :)

Happiness Opens Its Door For Me

I was trying to reach there every time, I was trying to fulfill my parents dream. Studying with a huge pressure is not that easy. Maybe I am lengthing my posts of this sequence parts so just skip some months. I just wanna say that time was restless and I do not remember when I smiled with all my heart. Everybody has some expectations and i think that was my greatest pressure.

By the by, Time passed and I felt that time is actually slow for me at that time. Days were too long for me. The exam I waited for was 12 september,2014. As all says that you should keep a second option to yourself so me and my family decided to take admission in a private university. If I get in public then I can transfer. I gave an exam in a private uni and I got chance, That was not a big deal for me because the competition was not like public. I was not satisfied with it. I registered in the top private engineering university for me. For the first time that uni was going to take exam because of huge applicant. You know what, that was the best thing for me because that uni used to give admission on HSC result. My result was not high as I missed A* in physics and chemistry so my admission result was the key to get good subject for me.

5th august,I gave exam there.I was so nervous but didn't worry about the result. I was so used to handle bad lucks. That uni is in Dhaka so after exam I came back to my town. Then again I started to prepare for my public uni exam. Few days later I got the result in the internet. It was probably 8 or 9pm, I saw my name on their website. I was 514th among 4000 students. I was beyond happy. My mother cried after hearing the news,she hugged me. I could not believe that as I thought I could not be an engineer. Really you never know what is written in your fate.

I was so relived them and literally I smiled after 1 year. On a sudden that pressure gone away. I was so happy that I am going to uni. Though that was private but was the top private uni and their expenses was quite reasonable than others. I know my parents will have difficulties of bearing my expenses but they will be happy and I can be a good engineer.

Again I went to dhaka on 10th september as I wanted to give exam on that public uni that I studied for. 12th september came and that was a disaster. A boy was sitting on my left side at exam hall. He was probably cheating with some kind of electronical device with the help of two other boys behind him. I was terrified of looking at him. I was so afraid that the teacher could misunderstand me and expel me if she notice the boy. I gave exam with a frightened mind,the question was also hard. I knew I could not get chance again. I was sad but the feeling was too similar that it couldn't bother me. There was some kind of relief in my mind that I am going to become an engineer.

Finally me and my family decided to admit me on that engineering uni. At the time of subject choice, I got Industrial Production Engineering as my merit position. It is now one of the leading subjects in our country. I was very happy that time. :)

Messy Book Shelf

Hi there! Today I just thought to share my book shelf picture because I am going to throw it out!! haha, that means I have no use of it. Though these books are a part of my all books that I have for study. I am going to sell all the books to the local library store and also sell the shelf if anyone wants to have it. I know no one will take my shelf as its old and kinda damaged because of the book weight so i will through it on our store room. These books were my everyday companion for my last 3 and a half year. I got over bored with them. As my educational journey was a tragic so I feel horrible to see those books now. These are the books which I have read more than any other books in my entire life. Here is a thing that this is not ALL the books that I had to read for my admission, I have two more big luggage type bags under my bed are full of books. I will sell them too. Now I am only waiting for my new books for my new life. I wish the day never comes when I need to read these books again.

Hardest Time Of My Life

Sometimes you think that things will go better day by day but you find yourself wrong. What will you feel if things get worst than you thought?? These things I was feeling those days. After my result I was depressed but then I kept telling myself that if I seat like this things will get worse. I kept saying to myself that some things good will happen.

In October 3,2013 my admission exam started. As I could not give exam in engineering university so I gave exam in almost all renowned universities in the country. I used to travel in night with my parents to give exam in the morning. We do not have combined exam system so we have to go to that university and give exam each time for each university. these things continues till February,2014. All the results published day by day and I found out that I did not get chance in a single university. I don't know why.Its not that I haven't study,I studied more but I think I got afraid of those exam. My brain did not work while I was giving exam. I actually do not know what happened. Each time I saw the result and my name was not in any sheet. My parents were so heart broken and so am I. but eventually I started to feel nothing about all these. I did not get any support from my family and friends. My family relatives again started to taunt me saying various things. I felt fed up. My parents started to tell me to get admit in a private university but I did not ever want do get admitted in a private university because they charge a lot. I know it will be very difficult for my parents to bear my expenses.


By the by the that year of exam passed. Then I thought to give myself an another chance. I told my parents that I wanted to give second time admission exam with the next batch. My father was against it and he told me he would not let me to skip a year. But I was determined as I wanted to study in Dhaka University. After some days I atlast conveinced my parents about it and they agreed. But to be honest I was much more depressed by then. So many time I thought to suicide but some where in my mind I kept saying myself Lets see the end!

I could not study in March-April that year as I was so much disturbed. I gave time to myself. I used to sat in my room the whole time,passed some time in the internet,read blogs or saw youtube videos.
After that my parents got me admitted in a local coaching center for second time exam. I took that very seriously and started to study more. I also took a private tutor in my home. Again I started to study from the bottom. I read every single topics from my books, bought some more books as a guide line. I kept awaking all night long. Sometimes I got more depressed, sometimes I found some hope and again lost it. These things were happining day by day.

I wish I could write the every single feeling on this blog post but I am unable to write it. Actually I do not remember how I exactly felt those times. Whenever I walked in the street or go somewhere and found some known person. They always asked me where are you studying? or Where did you get chance? I answered with a sad face that I am a second timer. I remember their face was full of negligence that I was some kind of failur or they make a poor face to me. My parents made my life hell of taking about private universities 24/7. I do not know how they can say about it as we do not have much money but they made myself feel that I was unable to get admission in second time. I had a dream of getting admitted in public university so I stuck onto that. I could not study properly because of them,I could not concentrate only because of them.

I gave random exam in the coaching for the main test. I studied alot but again I do not know why I always got a very poor marks. Inspite of all these I did not lose hope. I do not know now how I was mentally so strong then. I barely smile that time.

Some of my classmates got chance already in a good university but I was there where I was in the last year. I tried to move on but did not get a chance to move on because I did not know how I can move on...  

Struggling Time of my Life

Previous part: Some Reality That No One Believes


After my Higher Secondary Exam just passed I did not get an one day relief. It was a big exam, we prepared for 2 years for it but just when the exam ended,we had to think about the coaching class for university admission test. That admission test is so hard that we had to take coaching. What we read for HSC is not enough for the admission so we had to study in a different way but the same books of HSC. Literally it was like 100times hard than HSC. I packed my bag for leaving town with my mother because in my small town there are no good coachings for Engineering University. We headed to the capital of our country. Most of the students went there. My parents got me admitted to the best coaching for university with quite an amount of money. Many students had no place to live there so they rent some local hostel or room that was so nasty place, the security was not good also. I have my aunt's house their so me and my mother went there but now I think I should go for the hostels because my aunt's house was like hell to me.

They were not welcoming. From the beginning I felt like they consider us like burden. We had to go to the coaching by bus. The roads were very busy, all the time buses,trucks,cars are passing recklessly. My mother was so afraid of crossing road. We had to run for the local bus and jump into there, Huge people were on the bus every time, we did not get seat anytime so me and my mother kept standing in the bus for the whole way.

In my aunt's house they did not give me proper food, some time I kept starving but no one noticed. My mother used to make some noodles for me. When I seat for dinner my aunt and her husband talked with me very rudely, Indirectly they used to insult me and my mother. Hearing these I could not eat properly, I could not talk back to them because my mother said not to argue with them as we were living at their house.

Days and months passed. My coaching was going not so good for me because I found so hard to compete with the students. Around 20 thousands students took coaching classes there. Everytime I gave exam I was around the first 1-5 thousand students but that was considered as a very bad result. I needed to took my place among 500. I worked so hard, kept awaking the whole night for study. But the next day my Aunt said the light in our room made disturbance for her. The slight light went into her room so I need to switch off my light early. I was so sad thinking that how can I read now as most of the time in my day I stayed at coaching. My father then give me some money to buy a lamp. After buying a lamp I read with that but it was a huge pressure for my eyes.
When my father heard about the bus problem, he requested my aunt to give a ride to my coaching with their car as we do not have a car. I remember the day clearly,that was a very sad day for me. My aunt asked for money to my father. If my father will give her money for the car maintainace then she will give me ride. That was not a little amount. My father had to agree. After that me and my mother went to coaching in their car but they were not regular at it. Some time we took bus or taxi but my father had to continue the money.

As the day passed by, My HSC result came out. That was one of the worst day of my life. I got A- in chemistry and A in physics. I got A+ in other subjects. My mother kept crying all day. I literally felt nothing that day. It had to happen as whatever happened in the exam. But I also heard that the girl who was next to me got A+ in all subjects. Almost all the girls who gave exam in my class got A+ in all subjects except me. I realized that I would not be able to give admission exam to any public engineering university as they require A+ on math,physics,chemistry and english. I was devastated. All the money, all the hard work went into vain. My neighbors, my aunt indirectly insulted me for this. Some moments I could not bear their taunting so told them about the incident happened in the exam hall but no one believed expect my parents.

I could not believe that I will not get the chance to give any exam for public engineering university. I cried alot in my prayers. I was so frustrated and depressed then. I had none of my classmates around me as they were busy in their own lives. I decided to give exam in public university for any pure subject but that was a totally different preparation. I took preparation for engineering. I had only one month left for University. I again started my preparations for public university but I knew that was quite impossible that time but HOPE is the thing that keeps a man alive and I am not an exception.  

Shampoo and Face wash empties with Review

 As I can not afford to buy bunch of branded products and review them so I have decided to review some regular products that I used up empties. So now I am going to review my Shampoo and Facewash I empty this month. Among many products I don't know why but Garnier products suits me very much so I am reviewing. I do not have a great hair. I have used many shampoos but unfortunately none of them suits very well for me. I just use my shampoo for washing dirt and oil from my scalp. Recently I read a lot about argan oil. so I bought an argan oil based shampoo a month before but It caused me huge hair fall and I became so depressed. After that I bought an Indian Shampoo thats do not work like miracle but is Ok for me.  So here's the review.

GARNIER FRUCTIS-STRENGTHENING SHAMPOO:

It is a Green bottle. I bought a 175ml that costs me 250bdt from a local store. The Shampoo bottles claims LONG AND STRONG hair. It is enriched with Lemon Peel Extract+Fruit Vitamins and Nutrients. It is for daily use. It also claims Anti-breakage and Anti-split ends. It has a great sweet smell,so soft in texture. I love the smell very much. It washes my hair very well and leave that great smell. I do not see much hair fall during shampooing so it an OK for me. My hair feels so soft and clean after washing. I use it every 2 or 3 days.  I will repurchase it as it is good for regular washing. 

                                                                                                                                                                    GARNIER REAL NEEM FACE WASH: 
Garnier pure active real neem face wash has a white and green packaging. I bought a 100g pack that costs me 150bdt from a local store. Non stop purifying action,washes away germs. It claims Fight Germs,Fight pollution and removes Oil. It is enriched with Real neem+Tea tree extracts. It is a green colour crystely thing. It is a great face wash for me. Maybe this is the 5th pack I have used up. It really does what it claims. My face seems super fresh after useing. It leaves a minty cool feeling. It helps with preventing pimple also. As it removes oil so no pimple can grow in your face.I am so much satisfied with it. I will repurchase it again.  

Shampoo and face wash empties:



You can buy it from local stores if its available in your country or you can get it in any Indian website or Amazon and Ebay.

                                                

Some Reality That No One Believes

Life is not about what you think. Maybe It is a lesson for you every time. I am a girl who learnt things from her last couple of years. I always thought why all the bad things are happening with me but then I kept saying myself is, maybe these are the lessons what Almighty wants to teach you. I have come to this blogging world just to express myself. I am that kind of unfortunate girl who doesn't have a friend to express her feelings whether in a happy matter or sad.

Almost one and a half year have lost from my life just because i didn't get chance in a public university. Honestly I worked so hard but in our country we have ten times double students than the seat of public university. When I was in college, the teachers were careless about us. They didn't take our class properly. I can say that there was not a single teacher in a certain subject who taught one chapter properly. I made a very good result in my Secondary school so got  admitted in the public college in my town. I knew the education system was not so good there still i got admitted only because of their fees are less than any other college. After getting admitted i realized the education system was much more worst than I thought.

After that I started to study of my own. I took help from some private tutors. I used to wake up very early morning to attend the class of a private tutor. I worked so hard because I wanted to get admitted in a public university. But as I said before, Life is not always what you think of it.
Two years passed so quick and suddenly I realized that my Higher Secondary exam is knocking at my door. I started to study more but somewhere in my mind I was so afraid of it. I remember the day when a girl of my class didn't get any friend to register for HSC exam so I called her and said, ''you can register with me.'' Now I think that was the biggest mistake in my life I have ever made.

Exam appered. Almost everyone was taking help from their friends at the exam hall. Teachers were not very strict to them. I was the first bencher girl. That girl was sitting behind me. She took help from the other girls and whenever i asked for a little help, she gave me wrong answers. Chemistry exam was so hard. I called her for some help but she didn't help me. I kept calling but she didn't respond to my question. I became terrified. Almost everyone was taking help because the question was hard. Some of them were also cheating. I was the one with no help around. I gave that exam of my own. We gave exam of 12 subjects. It took almost one and a half month. I was so frustrated that time.

After finishing the written exam, practical exam started. It was the time when I realized maybe I am the most unfortunate girl in the whole universe. The teachers of the practical exam literally behaved like dog with me. I remember it was physics practical exam. I just made a little mistake of drawing a circuit. The teacher told me that he wanted to hang me with the fan if he got a rope near his hand right now. I literally forgot to cry that time. Same thing happened with chemistry exam. The girl I mentioned before made a team for the lab work. I didn't have a single friend. Everyone made a team with their friends so I had no option rather than joining her team as she needed one more person for the team. She did all the work by herself and told me wrong answers for our report. When I showed my report to the teacher ,He gave a big cross in my page and I saw tick mark on their page. I kept asking myself what was my fault?? Again I started to do the lab work,this time I was alone. I made the lab report and finally got a tick mark. But their was also the cross mark on the previous page and I remembered whoever make a messy report will get less marks than others.

I don't remember what I exactly felt that moment. After exam I just came out and saw my mother. With a smiling face I told her that my exam was good and I saw a great relief in my mother's face.
After all these I still kept my faith to Almighty that He will save me from any kind of destruction but it is life, you have to face it what is written on your fate.

From very childhood my life was all about study,education and all. So this was one of the main exams in my life. I kept crying in my prayers so that nothing unexpected situation happens. I need to get A+ in all subjects unless everyone will treat me as a looser. I was so afraid thinking of these. The results supposed to out within two months. This time was so hard for me. But I didn't know that this hard time is like nothing, more are coming.....................  

New Life

Hi new blogging world! I am Nazisha from a tiny part of the world with alot of stories. I know in this big world the stories are almost non existing. But it is my life and i want to share in this blogging world. So many things happened in these 19 years of my life. This blog will be my story book. Don't know anyone will ever read it, I am not thinking about it actually.
Yesterday I got admitted in a University. It seems normal to get admitted in a university but behind this there is a struggling story. Story of sadness,laughter,love,depression,family pressure...don't know what else. I will write about it.Being a girl I really thought of writting a beauty blog! haha! but to be frank I do not have enough money to buy make up items and review them. Whatever, This blog is about life stories. If anyone will learn something through my blog or get help that will be my achivement.
I really don't know whatelse should I write for an inroductory post. Hope to write more later. :)